The Lover

The Lover’s Complaint.

I would like to bring to your attention some issues I have had since I took out a subscription to your service. While some of these issues have been minor with no major disruption to my personal well being, other issues have had a major impact on my abilities to execute my duties.

Firstly I believe that your product has been responsible for an illness that has affected me since I started using your product. I am confident that these are a direct result of your product because they are most pronounced whenever I come into contact with it. The first time I noticed the condition was, as I recall, within hours of my initial contact, I do not see how this could be a coincidence.

The symptoms started with a slight stomach complaint, with a discomfort in the lower abdominal area. As time progressed that stomach complaint has grown in both intensity of duration. While initially it would come and go in a matter of minutes, now I find it is almost constantly there. I believe your product has also introduced some psychosomatic condition as it appears that the symptoms are most pronounced when your product comes to mind.

It also appears that your product has some addictive property as whenever I stop using your product I yearn for the next time I will have the opportunity to use it again.

This would be a manageable state if it wasn’t for the fact that your product also appears to contain a strong hallucinogenic compound that must have been devised by a very cunning marketing department as its major effect is to make me hallucinate about spending more and more time with your product. This would at least be manageable if these hallucinations did not occur at such inconvenient times but they seem to come at the times when I most need to be concentrating on other things, the most concerning aspect has been occurring for the majority of today though, as these images in my mind are getting ever more vivid they have now started to give me heart palpitations this is very disturbing, and has forced me to go and consult professional medical advice earlier today.

After a protracted medical examination, there was no medical condition found, I can only assume that your insidious product has some method of hiding itself when in the presence of medical staff. Although I assured them that the upset stomach and heart palpitations were still present even during the examination. While there I consulted with an immunologist in case I had the symptoms had been caused by an immune reaction to something.

After a lengthy, and detailed discussion of my recent lifestyle, I happened to mentioned my recent interaction with your products, at the very mention of your organisations name I felt the psychosomatic effects come into play once again, as I felt flushed and slightly euphoric. I believe the doctor picked up on this and determined my diagnosis. I also believe I discovered the reason for these extreme lengths you go to, it is clearly a marketing ploy to force me to extol your virtues on complete strangers. Unfortunately the doctor was clearly mistaken in his diagnosis as his suggestion was patently absurd.

so I am wondering whether you could offer an explanation for what has been occurring lately, because I am very concerned about the long term consequences of what you have done to me, have you received any reports of lasting effects? How long can I expect these symptoms to continue? Do you have some antidote available to relieve the suffering I am feeling at present? Although if it would be possible to simply limit the effects just a little, as I have been enjoying the occasional moments that have occurred as a result of this invasion. 

I am looking forward to hearing your professional opinion regarding what it is that you have done to infect me with this condition. I am sure you can provide a much more believable explanation than the patently absurd one the doctor managed to provide, it is a simply ridiculous assumption that I am in love! I mean, you don’t even, well, I don’t need to explain I am confident you see the absurdity also. Now if you could just release your grip a little, as I’m not sure my heart can take the added excitement you have been putting it through.